VOL. 2021, ISSUE: 13
THE FINAL PUMP
I’m going to be pretty busy over the next couple weeks, and won’t be able to do a pre-championship writeup, so this week will be the final spray that’s pumped this year. Congratulations to RAPH, MARCO, EDWARD, and DWeb, for making the playoffz in what has been the most competitive season in Nightmoverz history by FAR! Last week, we had 7 teams with records of 7-5 or better, and somehow, we miraculously avoided Points-For being a deciding factor in a playoff appearance
The final standings:
MARCO is making his 6th playoff appearance, RAPH his 3rd – and an unprecedented 3 seasons in the league with a playoff appearance every single god damn lucky year, ED his 3rd, DWeb his 2nd (I looked it up – 2015). So, the possibilities for this year with Swanson winners:
RAPH – becomes the 2nd team to win 2 chips
MARCO – becomes the 1st team to win 4 chips
ED / DWeb – we have a brand-new champ, and depending on who wins, our phones blow up for ever
Congratulations also to TOM and BRANDON on avoiding any loser bracket games that have the possibilities of leading to a Harris Bowl. You can relax and simply sandbag for 6th place so you can get a possible top 5 draft pick next year while you listen to DWeb complain once again about how the draft system between the TOPs and the BOTTOMs is unfair. (Hot take: those complaints start before August 2022).
Womp Womps in order for GABE, GEOFF, ERIC, and TIM who all have a shot at the illustrious Harris
The first award is for:
Most Points-For
MARCO, for being the only team to break 1500 this year, with TOM being one Cooper Kupp Pump of 48.6 points fewer, at 1470.2
Which brings us to the reverse
The "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" AWARD :
ERIC for being the only team to have over 1600 points against, while the next team, TIM, didn't even break 1500 PA, with 123.3 fewer at 1479.1
Special shout out: extra props to RAPH for being the only one in the playoffz to also have top-5 most points-against. That's some true fantazy skill to outduel the Fates of the Schedule
And congratz, too, to DWeb and his schedule wizardry: having the fewest points-against by over 100, and the only person to have sub-1300 points against. The Draft Wizard is truly inferior to the Schedule Warlock
But who the fuck am I? You're 8-5 and in the playoffz, and I'm just waiting for my visit from a tranzformer
The next award is BEST DRAFT
RAPH
I’ve given you the most amount of shit for you draft decisions every year you’ve been in the league, and you’ve made the playoffs each time, so it’s only fair that I acknowledge your supreme drafting skillz and award you the best draft
BEST DRAFT DECISION
TOM - for going with the auto draft, which got you TE1 Travis Kelce in the first round, RB2 Austin Ekeler in the 2nd round, WR1 Cooper Kupp in the 5th Round (all 3 of whom are in the top 5 of all flex-eligible players), and QB1 Tom Brady in the 11th Round. So what I'm really saying is… it’s extra sad that you didn’t make the playoffz
HONORABLE MENTIONS
EDWARD – Leonard Fournette – RB 4 in the 10th Round. You lost King Henree and just kept on pumping with Fournette who has given you double digit games since Henry got hurt. Incidentally, Henry is still the RB6, even though he got hurt five weeks ago, and if he hadn’t, we’d likely be crowning you champ already. And that's to go along with your out-Marcoing Marco with Jalen Hurts, the QB4 pick in the 12th Round, and the D/ST1 with the Bills in round 13
GABE – Ja’Marr Chase – WR6 in the 8th round, who gave you 8 straight double-digit games to start your season
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
ERIC – drafted Rams WR Robert Woods more than a full round before TOM auto’d Cooper Kupp
ERIC AGAIN – drafted RB50 Ram Sony Michel 2 picks before MARCO got RB13 Ram Darrell Henderson
TOM – Auto drafting Allen Robinson in the 4th round… and never getting a double-digit game out of him
MARCO – Miles Sanders in Rd 4 – only 2 double digit games
BEST WAIVER MOVE
RAPH - Cordarrelle Patterson. You picked up the RB 8 after week 2, and he has only given you one single digit game since then. You are the true Fantazy Wizard, with both drafting, and waivering skillz
HONORABLE MENTION:
TIM - Dalton Shultz. TE 5, and he is only 5 points out of being TE 3
PUMP of the YEAR:
TOM - for his week 2 Pumpage output of 164.1, which gave you a top 5 highest score in Nightmoverz' history
AND getting on that welfare life for a little bit
AND for using some of the welfare to get a PS5
AND for this moment in the chat (thanks to DWeb for sharing it), which made me actual-LOL very hard
A look back to see how some of my week 1 commentary aged...
...and to one of my favorite PumpSpray moments (thanks again to BRANDON and TIM for making this possible):
TIM, did you show this juxtaposition to her?! Please say yes, I don't care if it's a lie
CHARTS 'N SHIT
Before the very last "Power Rankings As" of the year, a special thank you to DWeb for providing the content that made much of the below rankings, and indeed much of the PumpSpray content, possible
POWER RANKINGS as... Nightmoverz Memes and Lingo
(One note: the rankings are kinda fucky since my excel thing isn't aligned with ESPN Fantazy, so for those of you in the playoffs ranked below people who are not, I just want you to know... that I know... that that's wrong)
